Working it

Sleep has been elusive lately. From one night to the next, the Ambien might work, or not; the melatonin might work, or not. One night I took a Benadryl for my allergies AND an Ambien for sleep, and that worked too well…

I’m on a steady dose of Prednisone again (thus the insomnia), because my liver enzymes are elevated and it’s unclear why. My transplant doctor suspects I might be dealing with graft-versus-host disease (GVHD) in the liver. I see a GVHD specialist next week.

For now, sleep, or the lack thereof, rules my life. If I have a particularly bad night, I might lie in till noon, and I hate not having a morning. When every day is different, I can’t get into a regular ritual and routine. My husband gets home around 6:00 pm, we enjoy dinner and watch something together, and then it’s time to turn in. I do what I can to relax, rest, hope to sleep, and look forward to a better day.

Last night the melatonin worked, and I got up around 9:00 this morning. Time for both breakfast and lunch!

The first hour or so after getting up usually sucks. My heart races when I just walk from room to room. It’s disappointing when I can sit up in bed in the morning feeling alert, and then feel exhausted by the time I’ve walked from the bathroom to the kitchen. But it’s undeniable, this fatigue. I just have to pay attention and work with it. When I don’t push myself, I usually feel better after I’ve been up an hour or two.

Working with it continues to take new forms. When I’m tired I sit down for just a few minutes and get up again. When I have the energy, there’s laundry to do, and always some tidying up. Some days I follow whims, like the day I made granola from scratch (wonderful), and yesterday, when I made yogurt. (I’ll do better next time.) 

What I want is a reasonably regular schedule for two activities: formal meditation practice, and writing.

After forgetting an appointment last week, I ordered a planner. For the first time in a long time, I have a fresh, new, spiral-bound landing pad to capture my intentions and goals, and schedule (and re-schedule) my time accordingly. I’ll use this simple tool to revisit my priorities–and plan my shifting available time–with fresh eyes.